They say if you look back at what you used to love as a kid, you’ll find what you were meant to do as an adult.

For example, if you were intrigued by how things were put together, so much so that you ripped your toys apart just for the fun of reassembling them, you probably became some sort of engineer. Found joy in math and numbers? You might now be in the corner office at an accounting firm. Held magnifying glasses to ants as a kid? Well, I can only hope you don’t to do that anymore and also I wouldn’t be surprised if you’ve done (or are currently doing) time. Who we are as a kid sticks, doesn’t it?

Me? I quite clearly remember a day at my grandparents’ house. I think I was home “sick” from school, and as I reclined in Grandpa’s chair, with Maya the Bee playing on Nick, Jr. and Frisky the calico snuggled in my lap, I recall being distinctly envious of my grandparents for being able to stay home all the time, while I was shipped off every morning to the gulag known as second grade. I was probably seven, and my dream life was retirement.

I also remember as a teen at our annual church summer camp in Southwest Virginia, slipping away from the crowded, noisy lakefront where all the shenanigans were taking place to amble up the short path behind the tree line to a quiet overlook that spanned a small, tranquil valley. I would sit alone (well, usually with one of the camp’s resident Labrador Retrievers at my side), and just drink in the landscape for as long as I could. I can feel that overwhelming peace even now, nearly thirty years later.

My soul is nourished in solitude, away from the pressure, opinions, and expectations of the outside world. I do love people, but, to be honest, I love them best in short doses. Too much talking wears me out. Too much noise and activity in a place where I can’t step away? I shut down. Looking ahead to a chock-full day on the calendar (even if it’s all fun things!) stresses me out. In short, my social battery must have come from the Dollar Tree. It doesn’t last long.

I learned to push past my “people” limitations, especially as a single woman in my twenties and thirties. I had to work, obviously, since I enjoyed eating, and I liked many of my coworkers. I still craved and enjoyed real friendships. I hoped I’d find “the one” someday. Socially awkward people need love, too! But it’s never been easy. It takes time for me to get comfortable with people, and it’s honestly hard work getting to that point. Many times I would have to drink in social settings just to feel relaxed.

To be completely transparent, I realize some of this is not normal or healthy. I am pretty confident there is some serious social anxiety underlying my aversion to forced interaction with people who aren’t “my” people. Maybe it’s partly a protective mechanism to ward off the types of hurts I experienced earlier on in life. When this is the reason I’m loathe to get out of the house, I need to find ways to push through. Fear shouldn’t get a vote in how I spend my days.

Bigger picture, though, I think God did make me to experience joy in some of these things I get to do alone! And I don’t need to feel bad about being myself, so long as my life is lived to honor God!

I’ve been blessed beyond my wildest imagination with a kind, loving husband and a silly, smart, fun little girl. In many ways, both my need and capacity for relationship are met in my tiny little family.

Being satisfied in my home life is a beautiful gift. I have time during the week, unencumbered by the demands of an employer, to do work I truly enjoy: tending ever-changing life in the garden as my plants grow, produce fruit, or need pulled at the end of the season; baking delicious bread from scratch; writing heartwarming articles about false teachers in the church; saving my family money as I grocery shop with intention; and some days even scrubbing baseboards while listening to a good audiobook or podcast. These are things I do alone, and I am thankful for a nature that allows me to thrive in this life rather than rebel against it. At the end of the work day, my people come home to nest, and I am (almost) always so ready for family time, because I have been “charging” all day.

I am so glad to have reached a point in my journey where I am content to be who I am, where I am! I tried so hard in the past to jam my foot into someone else’s shoe. For example, even though everyone swore I’d be great at it, I never excelled at network marketing! I absolutely hate the feeling of trying to sell to my friends, even if I think the product is great, and I definitely don’t want to talk to strangers! I need a t-shirt that reads, “I’m sorry for the things I said when I was doing MLM.” Not my strength. Awkward as heck, actually.

There are places in life where I just need to acknowledge and embrace how God made me: leaning into my strengths and making peace with my limitations, instead of trying to force growth in areas that don’t actually even matter to me! There are a lot of awesome people out there, and endless ways to get involved. It doesn’t mean I am obligated to make space for all of it.

But.

I also acknowledge (and am glad) that life is not all about me, and what makes me comfortable, or happy, or cared for.

As a Christian, I know that God intends us to be present and invested his church. This is a non-negotiable, and even though I’ve been hurt badly by church in the past, the joy of doing life, both the ups and the downs, alongside other believers is totally worth the effort. That has been a constant for me and I’ve made some really beautiful, lasting connections this way.

We are also told in God’s word to reach out to those around us (neighbors, colleagues, etc) with the love of Christ, and to share the good news of the gospel with them: also not up for debate. Just because it’s work for me to purposely step away from a quiet day to help or even just spend time with someone doesn’t excuse me from being obedient. I make this a priority because it’s a priority to God.

I do desire to nurture relationships with my close friends and extended family. Some days I do better at this than others. I am sometimes good at loving people from a distance, happy with the occasional get together or conversation, but maybe they don’t feel so loved that way. And I can’t even lie: I struggle and totally fail to keep up with more than a handful of people on a regular basis. I just don’t have the emotional capacity. I have felt guilty about this in the past. I still do, sometimes, but I don’t know what to do other than ask for grace and try to be better about knowing my limits from the start.

I will never be a great network marketer, but I will try my darndest to be a blessing to others in the ways God has uniquely gifted me: whether it’s a sacrifice of time, or a freshly baked loaf of sourdough, or some homegrown tomatoes, or even a well-written article here and there.

And I’ll enjoy some alone time, too, with a grateful heart.

Angela