Oh The Places I Won’t Go

Scene: AshWat and I, conversing over gourmet Ramen in a little noodle place  on the corner of Lombardy and Main 

AshWat: “Let’s do a Spanish immersion program!”

Me: “That sounds fun! Where?”

AshWat: “There are three locations but I’m definitely leaning towards Peru.”

Me: “Thanks, but no thanks. I hate Peru.”

AshCap (choking on FooDog death noodles): “What? How can you say that? You’ve never been there!”

Me (smiling with the slight condescension of someone who’s watched a fair amount of travel shows): “Too many llamas.”

My name is Angela, and I have super unreasonable biases against places I’ve never been. 

There are just certain travel destinations that shout “Diarrhea! Constant personal bubble violations! Too many Asians!”

For example, I’ll never go to India. I hate curry, writhing masses of people freak me out, and I’ve already seen the Taj Mahal on television. It’s ok at best. Plus, Delhi belly. Yuck.

The Southwest is another dud, in my opinion. Sure, there’s a big hole in the ground, and ninety percent of the country’s turquoise and feather jewelry is manufactured there, but I don’t do desert and I don’t need a Navajo blanket. I don’t mesh with the environment: arid and dusty and cactusy. Also, Area 51 creeps me out. I’m just not going . Texas is excluded from this boycott. Texas looks amazing. I need to eat Tex Mex food in San Antonio and visit Richmond’s sister city, Austin, whose city pride bumper stickers read “Keep Austin Weird”. 

China, Korea, Japan: I don’t really like fish, Hello Kitty, or scorpions on a stick. And what’s the deal with Bubble Tea?  I know in my heart that these countries have beautiful landscapes and wonderful familial traditions (Mulan!), and I’m not saying never. Just probably never.

Space:  It’s cold, it’s boring, you can’t breathe, and I’m definitely not a fan of the outfits. Not that I’ll ever have a chance to go, but if they’re taking volunteers for a farming colony on Mars you can count me out.

Guatemala: I really just don’t like the name.

The Netherlands: Icy and stiff. And that’s just the men. Too many monochromatic blonde people in powder blue scarves. Bankers. Everything IKEA. Herring. Nuff said.

Germany: The language is ugly and the history is unforgivable. Also, I can do without beer and sausages.

West Virginia: Mobile homes, poor dental hygiene, coal, and squirrel meat. Brings the horror movie “Wrong Turn” to mind.

Alaska: Whale meat and oil rigs. Eskimos, igloos, and fishermen. It sounds terrible.

So there you have it. 

I know. I’m a huge weirdo. I’ve accepted it.

I would gladly be proved wrong, but until then this girl is sticking to more desirable destinations. 

Love, from beautiful Virginia, 


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