Once upon a time I thought I was in love.

For once, it was with a man who loved Jesus.

Ok, so we weren’t dating. At all. 

But, everyone thought we would get together at any moment, including me.

We hung out ALL the time, mostly in groups but there was some alone time, too. 

The hot July weekend I was scheduled to get baptized,  I couldn’t help thinking about this man constantly, and Saturday night, driving home in my car I prayed and asked God to set my mind on Him instead, especially since this weekend was about my love for Jesus, not a med student.

That Sunday when I walked down to the river to proclaim my commitment to Christ, the pastor had a surprise for me. He called down my crush to baptize me.

I couldn’t have been more sure that God was confirming that what I wanted was what He wanted.

I remember one beautiful Sunday afternoon after church when he took me for a ride in the countryside on his motorcycle and we stopped in front of an idyllic farmhouse set back behind a picture-perfect pond. We both agreed this place had ” dream house” status. As we zoomed back towards the city down winding roads, tree branches heavy with deep green nodding overhead, my arms wrapped around him, I wanted to stay in the moment forever.

After another year of chemistry and “not-dates”, nothing progressed. It was one of the most frustrating experiences I’ve ever been through.

I still thought about him all the time,and one day I was so sick of the situation I prayed, “God, if this thing is hurting my relationship with you, please, just take it away from me!”

That night, during the biggest blizzard of the year, he started texting me, and through our conversation he mentioned that one of his friends had asked if he was pursuing me. He added, “Just as long as you know I’m not.”

My heart sunk through the floor and I texted back, hurt to the soul, that actually, it had been a bit unclear.

He tried to call me but I was in a house full of people with nowhere to go so I didn’t answer and instead I got really drunk off of an entire bottle of wine and cried myself to sleep.

Oh, my heart was broken.

I felt as if I was going through an actual break up, but apparently I was the only one in the relationship.

I know in my heart there was something there. I’d seen it in his eyes before, but apparently whatever he thought his wife should be, I wasn’t it.

 God had answered my prayer clearly that night, although it was the exact opposite of what I wanted. I had to let it go.

It was tough, guys. I had to still be in church and community with this guy. I had to forgive him for not wanting me. It taught me to guard my heart, because even Christian men can be thoughtless and clueless when it comes to how to treat women.

Fast forward six years. I’m STILL SINGLE. Ok, I’ve dated a good amount, but nothing with “future” written on it. He since moved away, got married and had a baby, whom he named after a long dead saint. Nope. The woman I have grown to be would not be able to vibe with whatever he’s got going on. We are both Christians, but I need a man who is moved by compassion to love others well, not just someone who knows the Nicene Creed. 

God knew what he was doing, and I have been blessed beyond measure in my current state of “unsettled-ness” by being able to grow relationships, travel (hopefully, Costa Rica this August!) , and seek after the Lord. I’ve also made plenty of dumb mistakes, but God is faithful to keep turning my eyes and my heart back to what really matters.

Prayer: Please take a moment to pray for my friend J who has been mysteriously ill for months with lumps growing deep in her back..She has three kids and we are asking God to heal her completely and miraculously!