41. The year you get a bird feeder for your birthday. And the terrifying thing is, you asked for it.

It’s also apparently the year when I’m naming the different terms for “love” found in the Bible and I forget the word “phileo” (Greek for brotherly love) and instead say something that makes my co-ed small group’s eyes widen. Then realize what I said and spend the next forty-five minutes giggling in embarrassment.

So yeah, another year and it’s still me.

I used to think when I got to “middle age” (kill me now) I would have it all figured out. But I totally don’t. I don’t guess anyone does.

I do think maybe we are more comfortable in what we value as we get older. We’ve seen lots of different ways to do life and we’ve tried some of them. Hopefully we’ve been able to let go of the things that didn’t work and discover others we want to hold on to.

For me, the anchor for this crazy life is my faith. Life is hard. It’s good, too, but it’s hard and it always will be. Because Jesus died and rose again, I have confidence his promises are true and I trust the Bible as a guide and light to my path as I walk this thing out.

I was a broken, lost, miserable person before I let go of all the garbage I held so tightly and said yes to Jesus. Sixteen years later, I can say I don’t know how people do life without him. There is no hope apart from Jesus. None. There’s no point to any of it.

With him, though, I have peace when everything falls apart. I have purpose for my pain and joy for what is ahead. Life is still hard, but the best is yet to come.

So 41, the middle of a life. You know, if I don’t die choking on a sandwich later today. Who knows?

I asked for a birdfeeder, but I also asked for a bike so I can get coast the streets of my neighborhood like a ten-year old. I love cooking and having a clean and welcoming home. I play the guitar terribly but it’s fun and I love to sing! I like gardening and reading and dancing and bourbon and snuggling with my little girl while I read her a story. I love board games and mountains and the ocean and long drives in the country with the windows open and sunlight on water and the first cup of coffee in the morning. I am passionate about defending the truth found in God’s word and I don’t have patience for liars. I don’t like mean girls and I don’t want to be one. I value character over popularity and I want to teach Audrey the same. I love swimming and going to bed at a reasonable hour. I hate abortion. I love community and I love alone time. I don’t care about getting my nails done but I love a good massage and a bubble bath (not at the same time). I think it’s healthiest to be vegan but eating cheese is one of my spiritual gifts. Oh yeah, I like writing, too. This is me at 41.

I don’t have it all together, but I prioritize things that matter and I’m striving to make this one life an outpouring of love, laughter, and unwavering devotion to God and the truth of who I am. His.

Phileo.

Angela