I have a crush. He’s handsome. He’s warm and funny and he says sweet things to me. We have a lot in common. We get each other’s movie references. I get that little hitch in my stomach every time I see him.

This man wants to be a pastor. Um..yes, please! There’s just this little catch..he’s not exactly living for God right now. He knows that’s a big deal to me and we decided, mutually, that we shouldn’t date. That doesn’t stop the attraction, though. Or the fact that he asks me very serious questions..about having children, if I would follow him if he moved (not without a ring, buddy), and he tells me he wants to take me to exotic tropical islands. All this without one date.
Still, what girl can resist a gorgeous man who wants the same future as she does?

This one.

The only thing this hottie has going on for him presently are looks and charm. His words are what my heart longs to hear, but in reality his follow through..doesn’t. I don’t see even a yearning for God. I routinely question his integrity. All my hopes for a future are pinned on one very important word.. if.

If he gives his life back to Christ, we would be super compatible. Even though he likes to fish.

If he turns back to God, he will become a man I can trust.

If he pursues becoming a pastor, I would make a darned good pastor’s wife.

All things are possible with God, and I am praying for him. My best friend is praying for him. Selfishly. She wants her adopted kids to have a funny black uncle.

So, back and forth my heart has been going. The bestie asked me two days ago if I was still hard set on not dating him until he was actually living for God again, and I admitted the lines has begun to blur a little. I wanted what I wanted. He was good enough...

I started thinking seriously about it.

Yesterday, I picked up a book at the library called “The Old Fashioned Way.”  Lately, I’ve been terrible about finishing books, but I couldn’t put this one down. The author, Ginger Kolbaba, apparently knows me personally. I wanted to underline every other sentence, but the library sort of frowns on that, so I stuck postcards in the parts that should have been addressed specifically to me:

“..a woman might want the rebel, the “bad boy” but she also wants someone who is faithful. (She must be reading my blog). We might be drawn to someone for all the wrong reasons, so we shouldn’t act broken-hearted when that person behaves as we might expect him or her (this goes both ways) to behave. This is true even in church. I see young, quiet, sincere guys who are desperately trying to live authentic, God honoring lives and beautiful young Christian girls who say that’s what they want. But then the girls pursue someone who has more charisma and maybe has been blessed with more social skills that may or may not be pursuing God with his whole heart. Obviously, I’m oversimplifying here, but imagine a Christian guy who’s trying to live a godly life, but at church all the girls are talking awesome Channing Tatum is. (Seriously?? She has to be reading my blog!!!) Every time I’m in a situation where I hear that, it breaks my heart. The woman aren’t saying that Channing Tatum is awesome because he’s pursuing God in his life. They’re saying he’s awesome because he’s got a great body and he’s handsome and charismatic. And that’s it. It has nothing to do with his values, his level of integrity, or anything that matters at all.”

Dammit, Ginger.

She also talks about how small of a role sex and fun play in marriage: “the bigger part is the mundane and routine. Paying the bills and figuring out finances. Housework loads. Work and church and family responsibilities. Those aspects of life and marriage do not require gym perfected bodies or the latest, hippest..anything. They require respect and honorability. They require character.”

Ouch. I realized then and there that I wasn’t truly valuing character over attraction. Sucks to be me right now.

” I know I’ve often worked so hard to respect other people that I’ve allowed them not to respect me. When we don’t have a healthy understanding of who we are in Christ- valuable, worthy, loved children of God – we may struggle with respecting ourselves and confidently requiring that others respect us. We deserve to be treated with respect and honor because we are made in  God’s image..”

Deep breath.

” My theory is that women are willing to make sacrifices for their partners, once they have become emotionally attached. They’re willing to make compromises to try to hang onto the relationship. Men won’t to do that. These girls are probably thinking, ‘he’s not perfect but I love him and I can help him change.‘ ”

Dammit, Ginger.

I’m only halfway through the book, but here’s my takeaway: I must have been taking crazy pills to allow the possibility of this relationship into my head. I would be throwing my standards off the Empire State Building if I dated him because he acts just like a man who’s never met God before..and has the audacity to say he wouldn’t try to talk to me if Jesus wasn’t first in my life.

Hold on while I grab him a mirror real quick..

I am getting heated. At him, for saying things he has no business saying. At myself, for wanting to believe him.

I’m still going to pray for him. I’m still going to be kind and gentle. You never know what God is doing in another person’s heart.

What I’m not going to do is fill my heart with “if.” I am too valuable for that. God tells me so.

One more quote: “I can honestly say that every time I stood firm in my convictions- not just about physical things about emotional and spiritual things- I’ve never once  felt an ounce of regret.”

Amen,  sister.

Ang