Open Foot, Insert Mouth

I can think of three separate occasions on which I could have been fired.

 They all involve me saying something I shouldn’t have. Not on purpose, mind you. But still, out loud. 

 The first time was years ago when I was waiting on a lesbian couple. One of them was clearly the dude in the relationship, but the other, a  cool blonde in a business suit, was seriously rubbing me the wrong way. No matter how polite and helpful I was, I could not get a “please” or “thank you” out of her. As a waitress, that’s one of my biggest pet peeves. It built up throughout the meal, and at last when she slapped a twenty down on the table and said “A ten, five, and five ones”, I thought “please“, but my brain didn’t stop there and the thought went right down the line and came out through my lips. The blonde looked at me, shocked, and dully repeated “please”. Her partner looked over at her and giggled incredulously. I got a whopping 50-cent tip on that one, but at least they didn’t tell on me, and it felt good to stand up for myself, even if I did it on accident.

 The second time I was taking care of a woman in her mid-30s who often came in and ate by herself. She was very nice and she was telling me that she and some other ladies  were all getting together that evening to go over and meet a friend’s newly adopted cat. I’m not sure why I said it, but the next words out of my mouth were, ” Oh, are you all single?”  She looked slightly offended and said, “No , we’re just animal lovers.” I don’t really have a defense for that one. I was definitely thinking “cat ladies” in my head, although not in a mean way. I’m single and have a anyway, another bullet dodged. I just tend to avoid her when she comes in (sometimes with her husband).

 The third time involved an older couple dining with their friends. I’m talking late 60s, early 70s. Anyway, the man warned me his wife might fall over and hit her head because she had severe narcolepsy. Sure enough, 30 minutes later I was fetching ice because she had conked out and knocked her chin on the soft marble table-top. The elderly husband came over and thanked me while I was making the ice pack. “It happens all the time” he said apologetically. I sympathized kindly, and thinking how annoying it would be to, say, buy tickets to something and have your spouse fall asleep in the middle of it, wondered out loud, “Do you go to the movies much?” He didn’t get my terrible, inappropriate joke and just shook his head, slightly confused.”No.” In my minds eye I clamped a hand over my stupid mouth and hurried about getting his sweet wife the ice pack, hoping he wouldn’t realize that I’d just stuck my foot in it. They left shortly afterwards, and I breathed a sigh of relief. Crisis averted.

Am I alone here? Or have y’all done this, too?

Here’s to me still having a job! 

Hope everyone has a wonderful Friday!



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